radio activity: a paper rant

the repercussions of a good idea are sometimes nauseating

i have to save the paper rant for tomorrow: my sharpie marker has run out of...whatever kind of guts sharpie markers have.
but that's ok. i had quite a nice day yesterday and don't really feel like ranting about anything except for what a nice day i had.
it was almost my dream saturday [see friday list number 8] except brekkie wasn't quite that elaborate and we weren't in california and it rained so i didn't get my sunburn and substitute a cadbury chocolate bar for the lindt chocolate and an elephant for a panda bear and i didn't get to sleep in a hammock.
however

oh my word.
ok, i have to go. i just went to grab my cell phone and found rotten potato salad in my purse from probably a month ago. i'll explain later why i had potato salad in my purse. there was an alright reason involving practical jokes and a co-worker's office. i will never be able to explain why i never noticed the rotting mess until now.
dah! epic failure. i'll continue this post later, after i've cleaned up the mess i've made. i just GOT this purse a month ago. right before we began Project Potato Dallas. [marcie, if you're reading this, maybe just don't really mention it to your husby if you can at all help it.]
this is a prime example of practical jokes gone rotten.
pun totally intended.

today i saw a headless yeti with the head of a lady,

and a man wrapped up in saran wrap on retallack st., a royal procession just down the block, 2 elephants, 5 white horses, and shar kienle dancing in the street. and some other stuff. and i got two birthday cards in the mail even though my birthday isn't til june 20. and the orange cafe reopened! joy! and i'm quite tired. i'll share pictures and junk tomorrow. for now, we're going to sleep.
cheerio.

friday list eight

0. friday. again. for the love.
1. last year, barclay gave me a potted plant for my birthday. i really really wanted to keep it alive, if only to prove that i'm responsible and can care about other living things, but it's dying and now i know that i can never be a mother.
2. a guy just walked past carrying eight toilet plungers... so...
3. the christopher walken situation seems to be quite under control, and my joy knows no bounds. not a single bound. [seriously. "my joy knows no bounds". what does that mean? for the love.]
4. conglomeration.
5. my dream saturday: wake up to breakkie in bed [waffles with whipped cream and turkey bacon and yogurt and peaches and syrup and eggs and acai berry juice because it tastes like the inside of a gusher and icing sugar], watch some old cartoons, go upstairs to find out we suddenly live on newport beach and there's an all-year music festival featuring anathallo and mewithoutYou [circa 2006/2007] and brand new and others like that and get a wee sunburn and a wee ringing in my ears and eat a lindt chocolate ball. and some spaghetti. and cuddle a panda bear. and go to sleep roughly around 11:30. in a hammock.
6. "jogging is very beneficial. it's good for your legs and your feet. it's also very good for the ground. it makes it feel needed." - charles m. schulz
7. what's your dream saturday?
8. today, one of my co-workers crawled under my desk and when i asked what she was doing, she answered, "i'm your new troll," and then she just sat there for a little while while i typed stuff. i think we're all a little tired around here today.
9. also, does my non-use of capitalization bother you? consider this a public opinion poll.
10. i pulled a piece of paper out of the printer today that said, "if you can read this, it means it's working."
so i guess that's a positive thing.

discombobulation and giraffes and wet cement

the clock.

it's one of those with an overly boisterous second hand.

TICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICK

but i understand the clock because i myself have a sort of spastic energy just in my right hand and nowhere else in my body.

everywhere else in my body feels like it's full of sand.

you could throw me on the floor and i'd make a sound like "WHUMPH."

[but my right hand would flail and shake like it was full of fire-ants and caffeine.]

the song carousels by mewithoutYou is stuck tight in my head and it's perfect for today because whenever i listen to that song i feel like it should be raining outside.

and look: it's raining outside.

so i guess i feel like i should be listening to that song.

this is my thought-life as of late.

you know when you wake up in the middle of the night and you think something like, "why is there a giraffe in bed with me, and where is my husband?" and you try to push the giraffe out of your bed but then you realize there is no giraffe, only a husband?

yeah. it's like that lately.

today i stepped in wet cement with my white dress shoes and when the workers came around the corner to make angry faces at me i made a really innocent one and said something like but not neccessarily "oh, shoot. i wasn't supposed to step there i guess." and they just said something like but not neccessarily, "which is why we barricaded this area off."

and then i realized i'd actually climbed over the barricade without even realizing it was there and slopped right into the gunk like a three year-old..

i think maybe i went to sleep last week and just haven't fully woken up yet.

my hopes and fears. but mostly just my fears.

tonight we move back downstairs.

hopefully the bugs have been reduced to utter ruin and non-existance to the point where they don't want to walk on my pillow anymore.

but...

mm...

ok:

what if the spiders and sow bugs build up an immunity to spider blaster and get reallyreally strong and invincible and then start breeding in the walls and i create some sort of genetically mutated spider/sow bug/cat/christopher walken that's all huge and pretty much deadly?

exhibit a:

it might not happen, but, you know.

it might.

a joy and fume-induced post

REJOICE WITH ME!!!

are you rejoicing with me? you'll have to be fairly obvious about it, as i can't hear you. 

rejoiceful reason number one:

barclay invested in three mighty-sized cans of SPIDER BLASTER and today he SPIDER BLASTED those 20-million-legged freaks in the basement [otherwise known as sow bugs] to kingdom come!

i'm feeling soooo rejoiceful right now. 

my husband is a manly-centipede-killing-machine.

but i have a headache from the fumes and we are going to have to vacate our house for the evening. 

oh well!

rejoiceful reason number two:

i have a new eco-friendly telephone.

ta-da! see how green it is? 

AND. 

it takes better pictures than my camera. 

[this is not saying much.]

rejoiceful reason number three?

well, you think of one how about. 
let me know. 
i'll rejoice with you.
i'm a good rejoicer.

ripping your hair out is cheaper than getting it cut off: a paper rant

seven lists

1. wow. it's friday AGAIN. it's ALWAYS friday. if i had a toonie for every time it was friday, i'd have enough money to buy mongolia and fill it with paper airplaines made out of very expensive cardstock.
2. i've had this skirt for well over a year now--maybe a year and a half, even--and i just now realized it still has the remove before washing or wearing tag on it.
3. yesterday, after calling in sick to work, i trekked back to bed only to find another one of those centipede things walking on my pillow. i became very distraught and a little bit mad. BUG! this is MY pillow!
4. BUT. barclay cheered me up by making a fort-bed in the living room and sleeping upstairs with me last night--AND promising to buy me some spider-blaster azap so that we can reclaim our bedroom.
5. barclay says, "those are not centipedes. they are not christopher walken. they are called sow bugs." i don't care. they are going to kill me.
6. i love the thesaurus. i looked up "awesome" in the thesaurus, and they gave me "zero-cool" as a synonym. i thought that was awesome. i mean, i thought that was zero-cool.
7. about one time every year, i foolishly decide i can cut my own bangs. with the same scissors i use to chop the tops off of freezies.
8. my bangs look AWFUL. sorry shlee, i am about to ruin your wedding pictures.
9. i really, really am sorry. bad bridesmaid. woe is me. and other self-loathing exclamatory remarks.
10. i just drank four glasses of water in rapid succession. burble burble. my lungs are drownding.
11. did you GO to google.com today? you can play pacman on the google masthead. it is a massive time-waster and i love it.

smilers never lose, and frowners never win

i'm going to a party.
it's a wedding party and it's shlee's wedding party.
BECAUSE! she's getting MARRIED on SATURDAY!
i'm going to be the maid of honor, and joy's going to take the pictures and we'll all probably eat too much.
everyone, all together now, wave at your computer screen and say, "HAPPY WEDDING, SHLEE!!"
if you didn't, you maybe still could, just now.
as for the riddle:

the answer is nascar!!!

but i'm just kidding:

the answer is a splinter!!!


 c to the rystal and kelly ann and joni got it right.
and what do they win, bob?

A [look at a crappy picture of a] HOUSE!!!!

mad-hatter-mad

i find that i get a little bit mad in winter.
not completely grouch-mad. you know, a little bit grouch-mad, but maybe a little bit mad-hatter-mad too.
i think it's because winter kind of reminds me of the time the doerkson twins put me in the freezer and wouldn't let me out. i freezer-burned my left ear on a fudgsicle and felt very claustrophobic and when they finally did let me out they didn't even say sorry.
i've since forgiven them, but winter still feels kind of like being trapped in a freezer.
but.
i am not mad right now.
because now, it is Almostsummer: the glorious season in between spring and summer that is alternately so cold and so hot that you die of freezing one day and melt the next.
last week i wore my winter jacket to work. yesterday i got three moquito bites and a peculiar looking sunburn on my feet.
but the point is not that.
the point is that the less winter it is, the less mad i am, and that it is getting to be less and less winter all the time, and that here is a riddle for you.
if you cheat, i'm seriously never going to speak to you again.

i went into the woods and got it. i sat down to seek it. i brought it home with me because i could not find it.

what is it?

today i made a new friend and got a haircut and also someone died

"what did you do today?"
i jumped up from the couch. i'd had an exceptionally full day.
"um....well first, i went for brekkie with alyssa. she bought me a scone."
"oh nice."
"yeah, and then at ten i went to your parents' house and lydia chopped all my hair off, see?"
"yes--it looks good."
"yeah, she did a good job. and then, at eleven thirty, i went for lunch with hannah, and then i went for a walk with stephanie. there was a protest at the legislative building and a man died and i got a sunburn. there were a lot of people there."
"wait, a man died?"
"yeah. at the protest. i don't know anything else about that. we found out about that when we went into the ledge to get some water, because we were thirsty. did you know you can just walk into the ledge and ask for water and they'll give you water? and these security passes that say "V" on them. which i thought meant "SECURITY LEVEL FIVE" but it actually just means "VISITOR"."
"did you see the man die?"
"no, he died before we got there. there was an ambulance. but we walked around the lake and saw about a hundred baby geese. and then steph left. shar, and anne, and their friend katy came then. at first katy was really quiet, but then i asked her if she liked music and she said she did, and then i asked her if she liked mother mother and she said she did, and she let me take pictures with her really nice camera and we became friends. AND THENNN--"
"?"
"and THEN, this HUGE scary man came buzzing around the corner on his bike, screaming obscenities and telling us to get off the road. he almost hit us all. like bowling pins. and then he came BACK for a second go but we jumped off the path and he yelled "THAT'S RIGHT--YOU STUPID GIRLS KNOW TO GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
now barclay was sitting straight up. he's protective of me. it's cute.
"we were mad. so we left. but as we were leaving i realized i didn't have my car keys. and i looked over and they were on the lawn where the protesters had been. i left them there for a couple hours, i guess. i was sure glad no one took them. umm....that's it i guess. i came here. tried to comment on cheryl's blog but it's still not letting me." [cheryl, i don't know what is up with your blog. i tried. hope you're loving mexico!]
"wow. i ate a klondike bar."

title track

last night i woke up.
[there's not a lot else you can do when you're asleep.]
i scratched my nose and felt something squish beneath my fingers.
i sat straight up, flipped on the light, and stared at the dead centipede [milipede? christopher walken?] lying on my pillow.
barclay stirred.
"what's up, suzy?"
i flicked the bug off the bed, shuddering at the thought of it crawling across my face.
"it was a bug..."
"oh. a bug? you ok?"
"it walked on my pillow."

i don't know. i just felt like i should share that on here. it felt fitting.
like a red woolen sweatshirt.

the state of this, my salad dressing: a paper rant

something for you to do if you have a saturday full of empty time slots and a stomache empty of good things

look what kiersten and i made on thursday!!!!!!! 

shape: heart

ingredients: chocolate, caramel, sliced almonds, condensed milk.

tastes like: if you could eat the music of death cab for cutie, i imagine it would taste somewhat like that, only a little bit sweeter. so maybe this is more postal service than death cab. but the almonds make it almost...vampire weekend. 

would you like to make some? they're very easy, and very quick, and very cheap.

it just doesn't get better than that. besides if they were calorie-free.

[oh, these are in no way calorie-free.]

we used chunks of bernard callebaut milk chocolate, and about 50 of those little individually wrapped creamy caramels. oh yeah, and condensed milk [4 tablespoons]. oh yeah, and sliced almonds. oh yeah, and we had a heart-shaped silicone muffin pan.

[if you're anti-hearts or just don't like love very much, you could probably make yours in a circular silicone muffin pan. but i think it might not taste as good.]

anyways. first you put the condensed milk and the caramels [unwrap them first, or people will probably make fun of you] in a bowl. put that bowl overtop a pot of boiling water and melt it all together. 

it will look completely nasty for a few minutes, but don't worry. 

then you do the same with the chocolate chunks, in a different bowl [keep the caramel simmering this whole time or it'll harden]. don't put the milk in with those though. that'll just be gross, ma'am. 

STIR A LOT.

no, more than that.

k. that's probably good. 

now pour the chocolate and caramel [in alternating layers] into the muffin pan. 

then you just stick them in the freezer and they'll be ready in a half hour!

HOH!

we took all the pictures with kiersten's blackberry because my camera was out of batteries. 

give them away, because if you eat them all yourself, you'll get very fat and full of zits.

i'm going to give one to my cousin alyssa, because i like her and think she's neat.

the sixth friday list

my friday lists are not really of anything at all. a thing i know, my favorite color, stuff about people. i like lists, but hate committing to a topic.

1. when my friend's little brother was, like, 4, he told everyone that he wanted us to call him by the name "beerbottlePOPcan." he was adamant about it.

2. this morning, deleted fixed the internet, so we all started calling him Captain deleted, Techno-King of the Intor-Web, and pushing up imaginary glasses as our salute. he told us to stop, but we didn't. i guess that makes us bullies.

3. then i drew a picture and passed it around the office via email. i guess that makes me head bully. but i edited him out of here so people won't know who i'm talking about. so yes, i'm a bully, but no, not the incredibly mean kind.

3 again. this week, SIX BABIES were born!!! [that i know of.]

4. i'm almost psychotic about washing my hands. i probably have the cleanest hands out of everybody. i'm the one you should trust to chop the vegetables for the salad.

5. if i could have two of anything that in real life i can only ever have one of, i would pick to have two brains. i would keep one as a spare in my dresser drawer so that if i ever wrecked one i'd be good to go. i was going to say two stomachs because i really love food but i thought that was kind of gluttonous of me. what would you pick?
6. got moths? put dish detergent in a bucket of water and hold it up to the light where all the moths are. they will fly in it and die. that's how it's done, people.
7. got a bucket full of soapy water and dead moths? yeah, that's kind of gross.
8. my dizzy spells are extra today. i might fall over at some point. catch me?
9. my neice is cuter than your neice. i'm sorry if this comes as a blow.
10. auntie elaine, number nine doesn't apply to you. teehee.

o my heart, it's a fish out of water

i met the most delightful old man in an elevator yesterday morning. he was wearing one of those open-backed hospital gowns and had blood spurting from a big blue vein in his left arm. he had a matching vein popping out of his forehead.
i smiled at him.
he exploded.
"I HATE THIS PLACE! look what they've done to me."
he gingerly touched his puffy arm, and a little rivulet of blood made its way to his wrist.
i wondered if he was supposed to be in a bed somewhere, hooked up to an iv, instead of wandering down to the main floor in nothing but his hospital gown and sneakers.

but the point is not that.
the point is that i left the hospital with a souvenir of my own: a fashionable little holter monitor wired to my chest. with all the wiring under my shirt right now, i could probably convince someone i have a bomb strapped to me.

hoh! i could rob a bank!
a novel idea.

also, do you like my earrings? i got them at a thrift store yesterday for a dollar and they're my new favorite thing. love love love.

someone else's words

"mr schwab tried to pinch him, but he just giggled and skipped away!" 

- lady on the andy griffith show

"i used to wonder where You were... these days i can't find where You're not."

-mewithoutYou

"you can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."

- E.L. Doctorow

the case of the phantom capital "S" Smell

today i was walking through our kitchen and Smell hit me like a brick wall.
BOOM.
SMELL.
yuck.
it smelled like rotten eggs.
i looked in the fridge, in the garbage, behind the counters, in the sink.
but the phantom Smell was nowhere except in my nostrils.
so anyways. when i found the Smell i felt like an idiot.
and i'll tell you what it was. but i first have to say this:
please don't judge me, i know it's been a while since easter, i just reallyreally liked the eggs we decorated this year and they looked so cute in a bowl on the counter.
oh but they stank.
let me tell you.
that was maybe why the Smell smelled like rotten eggs.
so i threw them away and went thrifting.
i bought a pretty lacy dress, a sundress, a dress shirt, some earrings, a cardigan, a sweater, a scarf, and a skirt.
for 24 bucks.
and when barclay comes home, he's going to be just thrilled that i have more clothes!
ahem.

four-way stops: a paper rant

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