psycho killers: a paper rant

take your stranger to work day

i have quite a way with kids.

a way to get them to be quiet and let you do your work.
today at work, a little boy came up out of pretty much thin air and looked in my face without saying really anything at all. so i looked in his face, smiled, and kept at my computerizing.
"hi," he said.
"hi," i said.
because anything less would've been rude.
i didn't know who this kid was and [far as i knew] he didn't know me. hence,
"what's your name?"
"i'm elena," i said. "what's yours?"
because anything less would've been rude.
"tyler," he said.
"alfred?" i asked.
"tyler," he said.
"alfred?" i asked.

"no, tyler." he stated.

"alfred." i stated, too.
"TYLER."
"ALFRED?"
"NO. MY NAME IS TYLER."
"CAN I CALL YOU AL FOR SHORT?"
"NO. YOU CAN CALL ME TYLER."
"HOW ABOUT FRED? CAN I CALL YOU FRED FOR SHORT?"
"ok."
agreeable little chap.
i went back to my computer things.
he went back to looking in my face.
"i'm bored," said alfred.
"me too," said i.
"i don't know what to do," he said.

"you could build a snowman," i pointed out.

he gave me a look like i was probably the dumbest thing since sticks. i didn't know a kid that age could produce a look so condescending.
"no," he said, "i can't do that."
"why not?"
"there's no snow!"

"WHAT?"

"yeah. it melted into dirt!"

that made me feel a little bit better.

"rats," i said.

"so...what should i do?" he asked.

"well..." i pondered this. "you could have a snowball fight. those are fun."

"IT'S SUMMER!!!" exasperation is one of my favorite facial expressions.

"yes," i said "it is that."

he looked really long and hard at me.

"snow angels?"

"NO!"

"snow tunnels!"

"NO!!!"

"you could color a picture?"

"ok."

and he sat quietly for probably a half hour, until his mom came and found him, and drew me the nicest picture you've ever seen. of a girl with long blonde hair and hearts all around her head.

so.

you know.

i have a way with kids.

spaghetti and meatball cupcakes

amber, chess, and amanda were wondering about the spaghetti and meatball cupcakes i mentioned in the last post.

as far as i could figure, they were chocolate cupcakes, with thin, spaghetti-like icing piped all over the top, a fererro rochet "meatball" on top, strawberry jam for the "meat sauce", and white chocolate "feta cheese" grated over the whole thing.
a little bit completely genius.

unfortunately, mine is still in moose jaw.
[minus its meatball, which i ate pretty much right away.]
anyways.

i guess some peoples' brains don't do very well with food that looks like the food that it isn't.

i've been a little bit stressed out about this cake here, for example.

i think i love it. but it makes me crave a cheeseburger, and i think the cake taste would disappoint me then.

anywaY. that might pOssibly jUst be one of those things i SHOULDn't get anxious about, as i highly doubt anyone is ever going to MAKE ME A CAKE THAT LOOKS LIKE A CHEESEBURGER.

i'm kind of disappointed about how conspicuous i am.

i am stark raving tired but grinning like a pageant queen

today is the best day.
today is so much the best day that i could just let out a big fat happy yelp even though i'm alone and would probably feel kind of silly afterward.
so i'm not going to do the yelp thing. but i'll grin.
i'll grin till the cows come home.
or my HUSBAND.
that's right.

i went on my road trip, ended up in the booming town-city of moose jaw, saskatchewan.
[side note: yesterday, my doctor told me i'm not supposed to have tea, spicy things, acidic things, or overly sugary things.
today hannah fed me tea, spicy salsa, lots of pineapple, and a migonstrous ice cream cone. i hit up everything on the forbidden list in probably a half hour period.
AND i forgot to take my medicine.
it's ok. my doctor doesn't read my blog.
guaranteed my mom is though, and shaking her head at me.]
[hi mama]

anyway. we walked, ate, chatted, and went to see the arbitrarys playing in a little coffee shop.
it was magical--

--until this scruffy dude decided to practice that age-old art of view obstruction.
rats: my least favorite age-old art.

seriously. from the best seats in the house to the worst seats in the house in 0.5 seconds.
anyway.
after THAT, we went to beth's house where she gave me a delicious spaghetti and meatball cupcake.
as we were leaving her house, a huge rain [which, incidentally, turned out to be the neighbor's sprinklers] suddenly blew down from the heavens and got my cupcake wet. [and my most of me as well.]

but THEN, barclay called to say he's coming home. tonight! in one hour!
and you should know, i'm completely thrilled. i said goodnight to my moose jawian friends and jumped in my car to come home, soggy hair and all.
and here i am.
although, i arrived home with no spaghetti and meatball cupcake.
hm.

paper clips: a paper rant

friday list #14

1. this morning when i woke up there was a note on the table where i usually eat my breakfast. i smiled, because i knew the note had to be for me. my love language is not limited to but absolutely includes little notes and cards and letters. i slid a piece of bread into the toaster and picked up the note. it read, "WIENER STICKS."
2. my husband has been gone for two days now. my skin is shriveling up and my bones are crushed to a fine, white, delicate powder. i can't go on much longer.
3. if i could have the keys and unlimited access to any building anywhere in the world, i'd pick...oh i don't know. i'll have to come back to that one later.
4. have you ever wondered what life would be like if any one emotion didn't exist? like, anger. or excitement. or whatever.
5. or what if there were extra emotions that don't exist now? oooh. consider. it's like trying to think of a color that doesn't exist. odd.
6. if i could have the keys and unlimited access to any building anywhere in the world, i'd pick...
i think i'd pick a huge huge mall. that might sound lame to you BUT: think of a mall that has an indoor amusement park, indoor water park, music stores [complete with grand pianos], book stores, coffee shops, a massive food court and probably a yogen fruz. and probably i'd throw myself a birthday party every night at 2 in the morning and all my friends would have incentive to stay friends with me at least until they got tired of water parks and yogen fruz.
7. on monday, i'm going on a road trip to visit my friend hannah. i am luckier than all of you.
8. i answered the phone today and spilled water all over my very important folder which holds every single important file i've ever filed at this job. at first i was mad, but then some of the colors ran together and the pages got a little puffy and there's sort of a nice crinkly effect on the corners, and i can still read everything, so it's ok.
9. I'M HUNGRY.
10. does anyone remember those purple chewy candies called bonkers? i can't find them ANYWHERE since i turned 10. and i need one today.

i've got you covered

you know what's fun?
[besides fanny packs, bubble baths, grocery shopping, road trips, coffee dates, david's tea, the color teal, old books, craisins, new toothpaste, thumb tacks, brightly colored anything, nextblogging, walking around, the paper umbrella, and climbing trees]

what's fun is finding covers of horrible songs done by people with actual musical and/or creative talent.
'party in the usa' by miley cyrus?
ratsy.
'party in the usa' by mike tompkins?
magic and magic and more magic. and he doesn't even have a back-up band.
or even any instruments.
just a mouth that sounds like a kazoo and a tamborine and he can beatbox better than you.
observe:



i'm inspired, but know that it's mostly empty inspiration as i would never have the time, equipment, or talent to pull that off. also, i don't have a tamborine.
if you have a tamborine to donate to my empty inspiration, let me know.
i don't really want one though. so.
there's that.

can you spell "inebriated"?

"hillsdale church, this is suzy."
"how d'you spell thaaa word? the one thaaa sounds liiike... um... pris'ner?"
"uhhh...p-r-i-s-"
"NO. no. not pris'ner. buuu like, pris'ner. like, pris'ner buuuu... not pris'ner."
"um. p? r? i? s? --"
"NO NO NO. NOT pris'ner. izz like another word. not pris'ner."
"ok. do you know what word it is you want me to spell, exactly?"
"no. no. see, izz like pris'ner. izz those guys. y' know?"
"well, i'm not sure i can help you spell the word if you don't know what word it is you're--"
"YOU STUPID see lillel girl, izzzz... like, pris'ner, but izzz those guys who preach at you, but they're not pris'ners, buuuu it sounds like thaaa. y' know?"
"um... maybe?"
"ok, so how d'you spell thaaa??"
"i have no clue. sorry. have a nice day though...?"
*click*

i figured out the word he wanted after i hung up the phone though.
and i even know how to spell it.
can you?

i sweat stars and bleed good ideas

today i'm on the hunt for music i haven't heard yet. not necessarily bands, just specific songs. 

suggestions are more than welcomed. 

on friday, in the doctor's office, i noticed a sign above the receptionist's desk which read, 

"NOTE: if you are grouchy, irritable, or just plain mean, there will be a TEN DOLLAR charge just for putting up with you."

i think someone needs to hang that sign everywhere, along with nice little collection jars.

at the end of each month, all the money from the grunchy jars will go towards me. 

why?

what do you mean "why?"

because i spoke up first, that's why.

never mind that though. 

my idea is a good one.

the grouchy, the irritable, and the just plain mean will get so poor they'll have no choice but to cheer up.

my song search is going well. i've found a few nice songs. 

song of choice, so far, is

"sticks and stones" by jonsi.

i'll put it in the music box on the sidebar so you can hear it.

please be patient. 

i am taking my time today.

also, i made a new button, and lost all of yours.
oops.
how about you just leave a comment if i ever had your button or you just want me to have your button, and i'll zip over and grab it and pop it right on my page?
that might be easier. 

friday list number thirteen

1. i didn't write a friday list last week. it is because i am a failure.
2. i don't really think i'm a failure. i just fail sometimes. i'm not sure what the exact criteria are that would move someone from the "i just fail sometimes" category into the "failure" category. i will give it some serious consideration and get back to you at the end of the list.
3. yesterday, a guy at work hid a walky-talky behind my desk printer when i wasn't sentient of his sneakings. then he snuck away and squealed into the speaker. and scared the sneakers off of me.
4. peter piper can't have picked a peck of pickled peppers--pickled peppers aren't picked pickled! they're pickled after they're picked!
5. we slept through our alarm clock this morning. oops. i still managed to be three minutes early for work. i think this is one good sign that i am not a failure.
6. next week, my husband is going away [for his job] for 2 weeks. rats. i think this is the ratsiest thing that's happened all life.
7. i need to drink more water.
8. ok. the failure thing. i think, in my humble yet esteemed opinion, that you are classified as a failure once you've successfully failed at every single thing you've ever attempted in your life. thus, i am not one, as i made it to work on time every day this week and passed high school and have a job and won a science fair back in grade 8.
9. in fact, with that criteria, i think it might technically be impossible for anyone to be a failure. i think everyone has at least accidentally succeeded at something.
10. my opinion isn't actually esteemed though. so. we might all still be failures. maybe, unless you've successfully succeeded at every single thing you've ever attempted in your life, you're a failure. then in THAT case i'm definitely a failure. you should see the cake i tried making this week; we ended up drinking it from bowls instead of forking it off a plate. it was failure with a capital everything.
11. oh well.

in the event that your first impression really is everything i may have to retire from meeting people as i'm getting exceedingly more bad at it part 4

me, i'm great at first impressions. most people will never forget the first time they meet me.
and by great i mean awful. but still: most people will never forget the first time they meet me.

i suppose you want to know how i met shlee.

that's valid. i will tell you:

i grew up in a wee little town called frontier. it was a prairie town with one school and one gas station and no hospital and not even a swimming pool. 

not even a swimming pool.

--but we did have a sketchy little golf course.

[i've never been golfing.]

in a little town like that, every new girl was a celebrity. they didn't come often, but when they did, it was an event. every girl wanted to be her best friend, every guy wanted to date her. before anyone even knew her name or anything else about her. she was new; that was enough.

in the case of shlee, i had a wee advantage over everyone else. because, though she didn't know it at the time, we had a mutual acquaintance: my cousin, alyssa, who had called me up the day before school started back up for the fall and informed me that one of her camp friends was moving to frontier.

sweet. i had two questions: a) does she know i know you? and b) what are some or most or all of her deepest darkest secrets?
alyssa was more than helpful.

so anyway. how i met shlee.
it went something like this:

i walked into school, backpack most likely completely empty except for two chocolate bars and my discman and a cd book, big grin on, right up to the new girl.

"hey." i'm friendly like that.
"hi..." she's friendly too.
"i'm suzy."
"ashley."
"i know."

shlee made a puzzled face.
i don't remember for sure, but i probably pulled a chocolate bar out then. i was always eating a chocolate bar. the milk chocolate kind with almonds in it.
those were the days.

we talked about something or another. she told me she was from consul, i told her i'd never lived anywhere but frontier. she said something about the move and i listened for a bit and then i said i liked music and asked if she liked music and she said yeah she did like music and i told her what music was good because i was cocky and kind of considered myself an authority on music and then i told her i was a little bit psychic and i had a dog and also too many cats--

"psychic?"
"yeah. a little bit."
"oh..."
"yeah. like... i just know things. about you, even."
i squinted at her. i didn't know how to act psychic. i didn't believe in psychic...ness. psycnicity. psychosis? psychisiousosity.something. the point is not that.
the point is that i just squinted a lot at her forehead, as if i could see through it. it was a little bit awkward, it being the first time we'd met and all.

"i know you had a crush on a guy this past summer at um...camp. you went to summer camp and had a crush on a guy. a guy with an afro."

she squinted back at me, but didn't say anything. i'm socially awkward and don't know when to quit, so i kept going. i told her his name, what he looked like, his brother's name. her eyes got huge. i kept a straight face and chomped on my chocolate bar. if i remember right, i was kind of rude and didn't offer her any. for all i did know about her, i didn't know yet if she was a germophobe.
anyway, i told her a little bit later that i wasn't psychic but i wasn't lying about having a dog and we became best friends and had marker fights in chem class and had an adventure in a back alley in a big city with a bunch of hippies.
she's all grown up and married now, and has a blog of her own.

i'm going to very ungracefully end this post now because i've plum run out of words.
the end.

i've got grins enough for the whole lot o' you

look!

briana drew me a picture.

and also, angela drew me a whole journal page. 

they made me grin.

and i will show you how:

and i had like a jabillion other reasons for grinning today too. 

i found jeans, on sale for like [what's 10 dollars out of 50?] percent off,

and i ate the best panini you've ever even heard of,

and i just made this freakishly delicious peanut butter pecan ice cream cake thing with a LOT of butter in it,

and the root beer float flavored ice cream was on sale for THREE DOLLARS, so i bought a tub of that.

[why is it that those guilty-pleasure ice creams are on sale when i'm in a good mood, but never when i need to drown my sorrows in 1175 calories of cream?]

and maybe the best thing was something a lot less superficial and something that might take too long to explain, but was just really really good.

you can take my word for it.

anyway. there's me, grinning like an idiot. 

and we're on our way to a bbq now and it's thundering and raining outside and there's probably mosquitos and a bit of lightning too and i'll probably get wet and bit and hit but i don't even care. 

it's one of those days.

i went for a walk today and saw a bluebird nailed to a power pole

don't worry, it was more wooden than alive.

later, i washed my hands and got thoroughly creeped out by the tap.

you don't think that's creepy? 

look again.

look very very closely--

at the tip of the tap, and times it by two.

i know. 

maybe this will help me to cut back on my obsessive hand washing.

and also my sleep. 

my favorite word is "glove" because it has the word "love" in it, and "love" is my favorite word.

small town paparazzi

i have absolutely nothing to say today. 

oh, but you'll be happy to know that i'm a little bit creepier these days, and have promoted myself from taking pictures of other peoples' houses to taking pictures of other peoples' clothes, while they're wearing them. 

but only from a distance, and only when they're not looking.

oh, i only did it once; 

lighten up.

conformists all: a paper rant

give me sympathy

i just completely KILLED my finger between my desk and my chair and need a lot of sympathy. i heard a crack, and the sounds of migonstrous swelling and imminent death.

my finger is going to swell, bigger than an unshorn sheep, and then it's going to turn black and fall off, and take the rest of my body with it.

and i really hate it when that happens.

on a lighter note, look what i found in my coffee! 

a cat!

the dozenth friday list

1. my little sister is graduating from high school on sunday. wow. ceese, where has the time gone? i guess this is the culmination of all of these speedy weeks and fridays that come only seconds after each other.

2. the other night i had a dream that i got a book in the mail, and it was an alphabet book written by ben gibbard. he'd missed letters here and there, but other than that it was a fantastic alphabet book. the last page stuck in my head and stayed there all through breakfast and brushing my teeth. it had a large, terrifying picture of a black bat and it read: "W IS FOR WOMBAT. and that is why no one else will ever find anything."

3. i have a big black blotchy bruise on my leg. i don't know from what. it might be your fault.

4. barclay is so manly, that he won't use my body wash. he says it smells too female. so he buys these manly body washes from adidas and old spice that have masculine names like, "ICE DIVE" "MAXIMUM ENDURANCE" and "GREASY" and whatnot. but i took a sharpie marker to his ice dive bottle, and my husband is now sporting a new scent: ice diva.

5. went to a free show last night. saw jane vain & the dark matter and the valleys. both were terrific. live music puts me in a good mood for the whole next day. it's like a shot of espresso, but in a more potent, audible form. it's like five shots of it. it's magic.

6. today i shut a cupboard door on a wire and it popped and flashed and started smoking. i'm not sure where i got my knack for wrecking things, but boy howdy am i ever a dream at it.

7. interesting piece of trivia for you, which i learned whilst playing a riveting game of trivial pursuit:

"what is a baby boy called who is born between two cannons on a british war ship?"

8. he is called a son of a gun.

9. now you know.

10.

today is going to be a wonderful day

sometimes you find what you've been looking for.
sometimes you find a very cranky old woman with a thick russian accent who scowls at you and slams a gate in your face.

for your sake, i'll start at the beginning.

we were just going out for lunch, shar and i. it was a gorgeous day; hot, calm, not a cloud in the sky. those are the days that i like best.
after we finished our pandinos, shar mentioned a garage sale she'd been at the day before. it sounded completely amazing and she told me i'd find scads of sweet things there, so we packed up and started off to find it.

i love shar. shar is great. but i found this out about shar yesterday:
shar doesn't know where she's going.
we went this way, and that way, and back over there, and east and north and down that street.

i guess that's about when it started to rain a little bit.

i looked down and saw this.

then i looked up.

the first crack of thunder reached deep down into my head and knocked hard on my brain, and a shard of lightning flew from one end of the sky to the other.
we walked a little faster. we talked about death.

we found it.

the garage sale, i mean. not death.
dead people don't web log.

the point is not that.
the point is that we made it.
after three hours of walking.
just as the woman was packing up her last few boxes.
the gate was open, so we just kind of stood there; two pathetic, wayfaring strangers.
she scowled angrily.
"VHAT DO YOU VHANT?"
we smiled. the kinds of smiles that you smile at someone who hates your guts.
shar was brave. "you're probably packing up eh?"
"VHOULD YOU LUK AT DAAT? DAAT SKY EES SO BLECK! EES GOING TO REEN, AND I AM NOT PUTTING MY TINGS OUT IN DAAAAAT WITHER."
and with that, she slammed the little gate shut and jammed a bony finger at the threatening clouds.
"YUS LUK! LUK!"
she kept hollering after us as to yus luk at daaaat sky as we hurried away. i began to feel like she thought it was maybe our faults that the sky looked the way it did.
it wasn't.
and that's when the sky opened up and dumped twenty thousand gallons of water right on our heads.
to say we were wet is kind of like saying barclay is cool. it's true, but it's a monstrous understatement.
we were soaked. and freezing.
we stepped in a puddle that turned out to be an ocean and had to wade through water up to our knees.
i was wearing my newspaper on my head to keep the rain from dribbling down the back of my shirt.

but we [eventually] made it home.
and guess what?
the sidewalk was right:
it was a wonderful day.
because shar is good company,
AND
because after i got home and dried off, mum and dad krause threw me a birthday party and gave me THESE:

kind of a booky rainbow after the rain.

emma, a tale of two cities, jane eyre, pride and prejudice, sense and sensibility, treasure island, tom sawyer & huckleberry finn, and little women. how happy am i?

very.