Wednesday, June 2, 2010

now, don't you want to know why there was rotten potato salad in my purse?

aren't you a bit curious?
it all started at the coffee house down the street, where you can get a large panini for $9.49.
the panini is nice. the panini is fine. the panini can feed two hungry people or one extreeeemely hungry person.
[i can eat a whole one myself. i'm a rhinosaurus.]

but the point is not that.

the point is that the $9.49 panini comes with a puzzling little container of what would appear to be potato salad. i've never met someone who likes the obnoxious little salad, and it usually gets tossed.

good graish, wot a waste.

you and i both know that food has two uses: "eating" and "other".
[["other" includes but is not limited to: food fights, crafts [maccaroni necklaces and such], and, my personal favorite, pranking.]]
this food was not eat-worthy, so aimee and i decided to figure out the "other" use. we further decided that this particular food would be especially good--and only, really, good--for pranking.

a prank involves three components: a victim, a plan, and a flawless carrying-out.
we got the first two, and about a sliver of the third.

the anatomy of Project Potato Dalas

the victim: Dallas [because his name is pretty much salad backwards and also his office is the most accessible from my workspace.]

the plan: every friday, we will split a large panini and obtain one container of "potato salad". shortly after one o'clock [taking careful note of the time] suzy will slip into dallas' office and hide the container somewhere out of easy eye-sight. we will then wait outside and take note of how long it takes dallas to find said potato salad. we will keep a log book of his times, personal bests, personal worsts, how stinky his office becomes, etc.

the flawless carrying-out: i'll shoot straight with you: we did it once. it took him roughly an hour and twenty minutes to find the potato salad behind his desk. we returned to the coffee house the following friday, at which time i stuffed the potato salad into my purse, and promptly forgot about it. until saturday. not like saturday next saturday saturday. saturday a month later saturday.

the backlash: that's right. when you don't pull off the third part of your prank well, there will inevitably be a fourth part. and that part is this part--the backlash. the part where i open my purse a month later and stick my hand in month-old rotten potato salad.

anyways. that's all. kids: think twice before playing food-related pranks. think three times. and don't transport the ammo in a non-sealable container.


Cara said...

Stinky stinky stinky!
I wish you would've remembered so you could be posting a blog about his personal bests, worsts, etc. rather than sticking your hand into it. Good luck next time, gorgeous lady!


AmberDenae said...

HAHAHA, you're hilarious. How nasty. I don't even want to imagine what that was like =/ YUCK. Good luck next time. Thanks for the experienced advice :)

Chess said...

Oh my gosh. That's disgusting! And yet, so hilarious. How many times did you have to wash your hands before you were disease-free? :-)

Chess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said... pranks are the best. On April 1st (or rather March 31st)my co-worker and I "borrowed" my boss's desk organizer (the ones that have fabulous little compartments for paperclips and pens and all sorts of fun stuff) and decided that it would be a fabulous container to make jello in...with all the office supplies still in it. So once the fabulous blue jello had set, we put it back in his desk with a plastic spoon and a note that said something along the lines of "if you ever want to see your supplies again, start eating".

Jen Glen said...

One hour and 20 minutes! That's pretty impressive if you ask me. It must have a strong odor. Or did you give him hints? I wonder if he's glad he's moving away from your desk.....

Alpha Monkey said...

Did you not need anything in your purse that whole time? Not a lip gloss? Not a tampon? Nothin?!

Mrs. Beer said...

Not gonna lie- this totally happened to me with an extra side of saurkraut after a hot dog fest at Costco. So disappointing.

kelly ann said...

backlash of a prank is the worst. maaaan. and now i know... never. ever. put potato salad in my purse. ;)

Alan said...

Finally. We know why you had rotten potato salad in your purse. I don't know why, but i really enjoy following your ramblings. They are hilarious. Looking forward to more. God bless you.

Noah said...

Your blog always makes me smile. Also, love the Freelance Whales shout out a few posts back.

Jen G-son said...

I have never met anyone who's writing is always witty and refreshing. I love this story!

suzy said...

you guys are so nice to me.
noah: you know the freelance whales! you're probably the only person i've met thus far in life who does. aren't they a gem?
alpha monkey: it was in a side pocket that i rarely use. until sunday, when i thought my cell might be in that pocket...
jen: of course we didn't give him hints! he didn't know it was us! :D
crystal: i miss you.

Erin said...

Oh my this is hilarious...and frighteningly gross at the same time.