Friday, June 20, 2008

trust no one

OH MY WORD. today, the friggin craziest thing ever happened to me.
it all started at the real canadian wholesale club. that's where i buy my groceries. in bulk. it's cheaper.
i'm in this line-up, behind like thirty dozen impatient shoppers, waiting to pay for my kellog's and tofu--yes, tofu--when the little old lady in front of me turns to see what oprah's new magazine has to say about losing 50 pounds before Christmas. as she picks up the magazine, she turns her head slightly to look at me...and again...and again...soon she's just full out STARING at me, mouth kind of open. it's uncomfortable. i start reading the nutritional information on my tofu.
tofu is good for you.
the next time i look at her, she is crying. if i thought staring was uncomfortable, crying is unbelievably skin crawly awkward.
don't worry though, i'm not completely heartless. i felt bad, a little. bad and awkward. should i ask why she's upset? should i continue to research tofu...?
she grabs my hand.
oh. new level of awkward. it's like falling off a branch of a tree and landing on the one below and having that one break too.
then she speaks, in this raspy old-lady voice, clutching my hand like it's going to save her life, "you...oh, dear...you remind me of my grand daughter....poor thing...she...died....last week..."
aw...now i feel bad. i make my limp awkward left hand squeeze hers, hopefully comfortingly-ish...
can't think of anything to say...luckily, she speaks again. "dear...can you do me a favor...can you call me gramma? on my way out. just say, "see you later, gramma"? can you do that for me? it would mean so much..."
so i do. she gets her groceries, i finish up my tofu reading, i look up as she's heading out the door with her cart full, wave, and say, "see you later, gramma!" she looks so happy.
this is when i discover that tofu and kellogg's cereal costs $345.76.
the cashier hands me my bill and smiles...i laugh, explain i think she's got it wrong. she laughs, stiffly, explains, "your gramma got quite a bit of groceries...i'm pretty sure that's right."
my gramma.
my...what the...
so it turns out, my "GRAMMA" told the nice little cashier that her nice little granddaughter would be paying the grocery bill this month. isn't that nice?
by the time i got out the door, gramma was climbing into her car, all her $345.76 worth of groceries packed into her trunk. i ran to the car and yanked open the door, and i ripped that old lady out of her car. and i grabbed her leg. and i pulled it. i pulled it just like i'm pulling yours right now.

3 comments:

said...

I remember watching a re-enactment on stuff like that on "Urban Legends" on TLC. If it were true, that's quite an intelligent little old lady!

Crystal said...

YOU JERK! you had me believing you! haha...that would've been really funny if it were true :) It still is pretty funny...I'm laughing...kinda

Sydney said...

i love you for making up this story for my enjoyment. i went through like, every emotion while reading this short little tale. thanks.