the Thoughtlings

there's this thing that i do, this way that i am.

i'll tell you about it, but you really have to not worry that i'm asking for compliments or whining or anything like that. i'm a happy camper, and in general i like lots of the things about the way that life is. 

but the point is not that.

the point is that in maybe my fourth or fifth year {of life} i decided for whatever reason that whenever someone was laughing, they were laughing at me, or whenever someone was talking in low tones, they were discussing something that was wrong with me, or whenever someone looked in my general direction, they were thinking something bad about me. 

this Thought kind of skittered along behind me for most of elementary school, jumped into my backpack in junior high, then crawled into my ears and laid eggs inside my brain in high school. i now have all sorts of baby Thoughtlings living in my cerebellum {for lack of a better word} {or just to sound intelligent}. 

they are very rude. 

i mostly just let them wander around unattended and say whatever they feel like. 

that is absolutely not a good idea but the point is not that either.

the real point is that, to be honest with you, i'm bad at receiving compliments and kind words and rewards because i never feel like i've earned them AND i never feel like the giver could possibly mean them--even if said giver is eyesmiling.

so anyways.

tomorrow is my last day at work. 

the office ladies threw me a picnic IN THE LIBRARY over the lunch hour in honour of

...me. 

i got so excited i almost fell over--a PICNIC in the LIBRARY. for ME. the thought. 

the thought.

we had vietnamese food and cupcakes and i ate too much and then my boss sat me down in a corner and put a plate of truffles in front of me and made me eat every last one. {i will be full of truffles til the cows come home.} and then my coworkers said all sorts of nice things about how they like me and will miss me and hope i come back to visit often.

i don't know if it was the cupcakes or the stern way i was commanded to finish my truffles, but i believed the words and accepted the compliments and let them make me feel happy.

it was a very good day.

upon thinking all these things through, i've decided that it is probably a good thing to have a balanced opinion about oneself; acknowledging and dealing with the bad things and acknowledging and appreciating the good things. 

a Thoughtling infestation is no good. 

i'm going to fumigate.