Tuesday, April 6, 2010

tickle or pain?

i had a very, very bad idea.
it started with a wee tickle in my nose.
it was 7 o'clock last night, and i was sitting on the floor in the living room with barclay, leaning against the couch, sipping tea and playing skip-bo.
i frowned in consternation and paused during my turn. barclay looked up.
"i need. i need. i need to sneeze."
"so sneeze."
"i can't."
it was true. i couldn't. i squinched my nose this way and that, tried to muster up a sternutation, even said "ah-choo," as if that might remind my body of what it needed to do. no luck [obviously].
we kept playing, and a whole hour went by. i started to get antsy. i felt strangely claustrophobic, as if my captive sneeze was filling my head like an airbag -- inflating much too rapidly for my skull to contain.
my thoughts turned to a conversation i'd overheard on saturday about people who spontaneously combust. i know, that's a whole other thing... but have you ever heard of someone spontaneously exploding? i felt like i might have been close.
by 10 o'clock i knew that i could not contain it any longer. i needed to sneeze. i was single-minded in this endeavor. it was the only thing that mattered.
i had one thought: pepper.
pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper....
i hurried to the kitchen and grabbed the pepper shaker from its spot on the stove.
pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper pepper....
i held it under my nose for a moment, just held it there.
nothing happened.
i sniffed.
nothing.
rats.
i looked helplessly at barclay, who had followed me into the kitchen.
he suggested i stand over the sink while he threw some in my face. we did that, but still nothing.
my nose was tickling, it felt like there were about a million termites in there. the pressure was tremendous.
in an act of sheer desperation, i dumped about a teaspoon of pepper in the palm of my hand.
and snorted it. 
all of it.
IDIOT.
it took a second or two for my brain to fully comprehend what was going on.
the first sneeze wracked my body like a full-fledged earthquake. it sounded like a small child being hit by a wrecking ball.
it was followed quickly by an even larger, even louder rendition of the first. it clawed my throat viciously  as it escaped.
between the third and fourth sneezes, i collapsed to the floor. tears streamed down my face, and i gasped for breath.
by sneeze five, i was sweating and heaving, not sure whether i could physically take another.
i became dully aware that barclay was trying to shove a kleenex into my hand.
"get the pepper out of there, suzy!"
but number six got me first. i slammed my fist into the floor.
i looked up at barclay and we both burst out laughing as number seven threw me down again. it wasn't funny, but it was at the same time. it was hysterical. i was dying.
i don't know how long it went on for, but after it was all over i curled up into a ball and just stared at the floor. barclay helped me up, brought me some water and q-tips.
my face was soaked, my eyes were red, my stomach and throat were burning, and when i spoke, my voice came out in a raspy whisper.
"barclay. that was the worst idea i have ever had."
and i have had some pretty terrible ideas.
so the question is this: would you rather be annoyed, or be hurt? tickle or pain?
because looking back on last night, i'm not sure that i wouldn't do it all again.

anyways, here is the house of the day. my throat hurts.

i feel like i should add that barclay read this post after i'd written it and said this:
"i think people are going to think you've exaggerated for the sake of getting a funny story out of it. but that's exactly how it went down."

8 comments:

Jen G-son said...

LOL WOW I wish I could meet you in person. You sound like the type of person who would entertain me :) I mean that in the good way!

How do you edit your photos?

Jen

Jen Glen said...

I know I've said it before, but I will say it again...reality TV show. Seriously.

Hannah Leanne said...

This is the best ever. I'm so sorry you're so sick. But snorting anything is never the answer.
I love you.

suzy said...

jen 1: i edit them sometimes just using the paint program on my computer (i know, tedious and cheap, but...i'm cool like that.) and sometimes i use online programs, like picnik or fotoflexer.
my pictures will never be anything great, because i can't afford a nice camera, but i take pictures anyways.
jen 2: don't laugh at me about this when you see me in person next. my pride is a wee bit bruised and my voice is still gravelly. eee...
hannah: hahaha i laughed so hard when i read your comment. snorting anything is never the answer. too true.

kato said...

reminds me of a time a friend gave another friend a bag a pretzels that were coated with extremely hot, hot sauce. He screamed outloud and rubbed his eyes with his fingers coated in the sauce. I think he would rather have been tasered. funny post. -k

Crystal said...

BAWHAHAHA!!!!! This would only happen to you! and Hannah...I'm totally with you...snorting anything is never the answer :)

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