the rest of the story

so i decided i would go see a doctor. that's what this is all about. a doctor. 

i have heart tests coming up in two weeks, but i still have this nagging flu/cold/fevery thing that's been keeping me in bed for about a month now and, you know, enough's enough, and my mum-in-law suggested i just go to a clinic and get checked out.

indeed.

so i book an appointment with doctor..um...for the sake of not naming names, we'll just call her doctor. [though since going to this doctor, i've heard from a few reliable sources that my experience with her were about par for the course, so i'm almost tempted to name names. almost.]
so i get in there and doctor says, "what's up?" and i tell her exactly what's up, but she's looking at a thing on the wall and chewing her thumbnail and doesn't seem interested.

when i finish talking, she takes a moment to deposit her nail clipping the garbage before asking, in her thick accent, "and what do you want me to do for you?"

now, the last time i went to a doctor was after my wheelchair accident, [that's a whole nother story] and my legs were black and purple, and when the doctor asked me what was wrong, all i had to do was roll my pant legs up and say, "fix them, please." 

so this question throws me.
so i start at the very beginning again. and i repeat my whole spiel about how i feel flu-y and cold-y and fever-y and dizzy and how i've felt this way for a month and wonder what's up because i've never felt this way for this long before and it's starting to cut into work and living and stuff.
and she goes, "so...you want to know if you're sick?"
i gape a little. "um...no. i think..i mean, i know i'm sick...i just...uhhhhh. can you...tell me what i'm sick with? and if there's a nice banana-flavored medicine i can take to make me better?"

she gives me a look. i can't read it. her eyebrows are too bushy.

she gets out her tongue depressor and jams it so far into the back of my mouth that it TOUCHES THE BACK OF MY THROAT. 

and i gag.
and she goes, "SIT STILL!"
i'm generally pretty obedient, so i open my mouth again and she goes in for round two and i gag again, harder this time, and she glares and me and says, "you're going to have to do better than that! i can't see down your throat!"

at this point i start saying things to her in my mind that are kind of impolite and mostly actually very rude. things like, "i think you're a terrible doctor," and "you have really bushy eyebrows."
she goes in three more times, and i start to slide down in my seat.

i feel like a three year old. i imagine i'm maybe on candid camera, or one of those other hidden camera tv shows. is this woman for real?

finally, FINALLY, she gives up.

and goes and gets her little flashlight ear thinger. 

jams that so so so so far into my ear that i [actually quite loudly] say, "ow."
she goes in farther. i start to wiggle a little bit.
"SIT STILL."
"ow. OW!"
i understand how much i must sound like a baby. but my ears still hurt. she ground that sucker into my brain. when she pulled it out, it had cerebellum all over it.
"girl, you have to be patient. i can't see."
"i'm sorry....it just hurts...quite a bit, actually."

she forces it in farther. i lean away.
"calm down, man!"
this little old woman actually just told me to "calm down, man."

i try to calm down. but my mind hurts. like, the part of my mind that's responsible for addition is getting punctured. "ow...ow...OW! i'm sorry, but that really, really hurts."
she clicks her tongue at me. i resist the urge to put my finger in my ear and check for blood. i resist the urge to ask what a punctured ear drum feels like.

she plops down on her chair and rolls her eyes. "you're fine."

"that's it?"

"that's all. take an advil." she nods at the door. 

i later find out that she has a reputation for stuff like this. 

and that was that.

i strode out to my car and cried a wee bit. i was mostly upset that i was still sick and still didn't know why and would probably be sick for the rest of my life, and doctor didn't even care. 
and then i went home and melted cheese on a muffin for supper.

and it was so hot that i burned my tongue.