Thursday, April 29, 2010

the rest of the story


so i decided i would go see a doctor. that's what this is all about. a doctor. 
i have heart tests coming up in two weeks, but i still have this nagging flu/cold/fevery thing that's been keeping me in bed for about a month now and, you know, enough's enough, and my mum-in-law suggested i just go to a clinic and get checked out.
indeed.
so i book an appointment with doctor..um...for the sake of not naming names, we'll just call her doctor. [though since going to this doctor, i've heard from a few reliable sources that my experience with her were about par for the course, so i'm almost tempted to name names. almost.]
so i get in there and doctor says, "what's up?" and i tell her exactly what's up, but she's looking at a thing on the wall and chewing her thumbnail and doesn't seem interested.
when i finish talking, she takes a moment to deposit her nail clipping the garbage before asking, in her thick accent, "and what do you want me to do for you?"
now, the last time i went to a doctor was after my wheelchair accident, [that's a whole nother story] and my legs were black and purple, and when the doctor asked me what was wrong, all i had to do was roll my pant legs up and say, "fix them, please." 
so this question throws me.
so i start at the very beginning again. and i repeat my whole spiel about how i feel flu-y and cold-y and fever-y and dizzy and how i've felt this way for a month and wonder what's up because i've never felt this way for this long before and it's starting to cut into work and living and stuff.
and she goes, "so...you want to know if you're sick?"
i gape a little. "um...no. i think..i mean, i know i'm sick...i just...uhhhhh. can you...tell me what i'm sick with? and if there's a nice banana-flavored medicine i can take to make me better?"
she gives me a look. i can't read it. her eyebrows are too bushy.
she gets out her tongue depressor and jams it so far into the back of my mouth that it TOUCHES THE BACK OF MY THROAT. 
and i gag.
and she goes, "SIT STILL!"
i'm generally pretty obedient, so i open my mouth again and she goes in for round two and i gag again, harder this time, and she glares and me and says, "you're going to have to do better than that! i can't see down your throat!"
at this point i start saying things to her in my mind that are kind of impolite and mostly actually very rude. things like, "i think you're a terrible doctor," and "you have really bushy eyebrows."
she goes in three more times, and i start to slide down in my seat.
i feel like a three year old. i imagine i'm maybe on candid camera, or one of those other hidden camera tv shows. is this woman for real?
finally, FINALLY, she gives up.
and goes and gets her little flashlight ear thinger. 
jams that so so so so far into my ear that i [actually quite loudly] say, "ow."
she goes in farther. i start to wiggle a little bit.
"SIT STILL."
"ow. OW!"
i understand how much i must sound like a baby. but my ears still hurt. she ground that sucker into my brain. when she pulled it out, it had cerebellum all over it.
"girl, you have to be patient. i can't see."
"i'm sorry....it just hurts...quite a bit, actually."
she forces it in farther. i lean away.
"calm down, man!"
this little old woman actually just told me to "calm down, man."
i try to calm down. but my mind hurts. like, the part of my mind that's responsible for addition is getting punctured. "ow...ow...OW! i'm sorry, but that really, really hurts."
she clicks her tongue at me. i resist the urge to put my finger in my ear and check for blood. i resist the urge to ask what a punctured ear drum feels like.
she plops down on her chair and rolls her eyes. "you're fine."
"that's it?"
"that's all. take an advil." she nods at the door. 
i later find out that she has a reputation for stuff like this. 

and that was that.
i strode out to my car and cried a wee bit. i was mostly upset that i was still sick and still didn't know why and would probably be sick for the rest of my life, and doctor didn't even care. 
and then i went home and melted cheese on a muffin for supper.
and it was so hot that i burned my tongue. 

14 comments:

Cara said...

I'm going to tell you something.



Your blog is, by far, my most favorite I've ever ever stumbled upon. Thank you for being creepy and getting my blog off of our mutual friend. Your writings make me so SO happy.

xoxox

Alpha Monkey said...

So now I want to come up there and kick her in the ear. She has a boss. Somewhere. So you call them and talk to them and tell them you are a blogger with an audience and you would like to give them a chance to make a comment on this situation (which you then explain) before publishing it.

See if THEY can sit still while YOU are poking THEM.

(Did that sound brave? I hope so. I meant it to. I wouldn't do it, myself, you know. But I would be THINKING it all right as I rolled around in my fevered napping state eating jello because my burnt tongue hurts still.)

And also, are you sure it was a real clinic and not some fetish club? Mistress Doctor wasn't wearing thigh highs and and carrying a paddle, was she?

Jen Wilson said...

Oh my, I'm sorry!!! That SUCKS. Are you going to try to find a different doctor who ISN'T a MEAN old lady with bushy eyebrows?

I hope you find answers. :)

Jen Wilson said...

Oh my, I'm sorry!!! That SUCKS. Are you going to try to find a different doctor who ISN'T a MEAN old lady with bushy eyebrows?

I hope you find answers. :)

Kiersten said...

Suzy, that's the worst! I would be grumpy too! I hope you can find a REAL doctor who actually cares about your health. If it didn't take so long to become a doctor, I would start today and diagnose you tomorrow. I promise, I would.

JTay said...

Aw, Suzy! I wish my doctor was taking new patients, because I would tell you to go to her. She is also blog-post-worthy. Actually I want to write a kids book about her. She's this funny, British, fairy-lovin' doctor. She also looked in my throat and ears this week and I couldn't believe how gentle she was!

But she also told me I'd be fine and to take an Advil.

Mich said...

AAHH!! I don't understand how people that act like that - that have reputation like that - still EXIST!?!?!

FIL said...

I really wish you have a better attitude Suzy. If the doctor tells you you are fine, obviously you are fine. Everyone knows that doctors are the smartest and nicest people in the world (except for maybe pilots).

Hope you get better soon!

Jen Glen said...

We definitely both need to find new doctors b/c I have had similar experiences with mine and have also cried after being with her, and have also felt like a stupid three year old in her presence. And people wonder why I have little confidence in doctors.

suzy said...

you guys are all so nice. you make me smile in spite of tongue depressants and bushy eyebrows.
jenglen, we'll have to go doctor hunting together. maybe we could steal justine's. we can keep her in my laundry room.
jen wilson: yes, do you know of any?
fil: thank you, i snorted at you.
cara: what a nice thing to say. dang, i'm blushing.:)
kiersten, alpha monkey, and mich: thank you for being mad on my behalf. i love it.
this is why having a blog is better than not having a blog.

suzy said...

also, justine, when ARE you going to write a children's book? you have to before i have kids.

cees said...

looks like your doctor didn't get all that much better after leaving frontier.. I thought it was only the small town doctor that were like that..haha

JTay said...

I tried to imagine my children's story about my doctor today, but it wasn't coming together. Something about her having fairy wings and riding a motorcycle. Meh. I'll have to let it simmer for a while.

Also, she's pretty smart and could probably bust out of your laundry room.

suzy said...

ceese--i KNOW! that's what i was just thinkin. ugh. do you even have a doctor there anymore though? at least here i can try, try, try again.