peer pressure, perforated pantyhose, and a passionate plea

i've been peer presfured into doing somethng i saidd i would nesver do. eaver. and it is the reasodn for all the spellingm istakes in theis dpost.

i'm going to type slower now and hopefully cut back on the amount of spelling errors, because i hate spelling errors.

as i'm typing this, i'm sitting in my bedroom ripping all of my nails off. it is a long and painful process and with each arduous tug at my aching cuticles, i am regretting each and every decision that led to this one.

before you get all worked up and wonder why i'm sitting here in a drunken stupor ripping my nails off, let me expound:
friend came over today. she came bearing gifts of chocolate, clothing, and fake nails.
fake nails.
fake nails.
i don't wear fake nails.
remember last week when i tried to do high heels?
i don't do high heels. i don't do fake nails.
chucks and nail-bitten stubs for me, thanks.
however. i am easily persuaded to try new things. some would say that's rather adventurous of me but i think i'm an idiot.
so anyways. i plop down on the floor next to friend, and she spreads the little plastic "nails" on the floor. she explains how it works, and happily begins applying cyanoacrylate, or the cosmetic equivalent, to her hands.
i try, and soon, there are little plastic nails everywhere. stuck to the floor, to the palms of my hands, to my socks, etc. she glances over to laugh at me every once in awhile, and i smile and say, "hm, some fun, hey friend? boy, i do love being a girl just now."
[i read the bottle just now: "attention - danger. bonds skin and eyes in seconds. blah blah blah...contact with clothes will cause damage and generate sufficient heat to burn the underlying skin. etc etc." and i'm putting this on my hands? i will lump this in the category with waxing--is beauty worth all this? it would be less painful to just put out our own eyes so we don't know what we look like.]

fast forward a couple hours. our nails are on - mine crooked, hers cute - and we are getting dressed to go out and eat food. i can't pick anything up, because my nails are too long. i can't do my hair, because my nails are too long. i'm scared to go to the bathroom.
 the only thing i can do well is scratch myself, but i'm not even itchy so it's a waste.
i try pulling on my brand new, never been worn before, grey tights.
this is a disaster.
exhibit a:

as you can see, the crotch of my tights is in my left hand and the right leg of my tights is in my right hand. the left leg is over there by the night table. because i threw it. i was not a happy camper.
that brings us to this moment, right here. i set forth with nail clippers and gritted teeth in a vain attempt to fix my edward scissorhands hands, but it is no use. i could only remove six of the ten nails from my hands, and the four that remain are fixed tight.
exhibit b:

but the point is not the spelling errors. the point is not the brand new tights or my temper tantrum or even the fact that i might have cyanoacrylate in my eyes.
the point is DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO REMOVE FAKE NAILS AND NAIL GLUE GUNK?
i need an answer asap. two hours ago, if possible. before i have to go to the bathroom. i don't know how to go to the bathroom with fake nails on.
hurry now, look how sad i am.
friend: i still love you.