Sunday, March 28, 2010

peer pressure, perforated pantyhose, and a passionate plea

i've been peer presfured into doing somethng i saidd i would nesver do. eaver. and it is the reasodn for all the spellingm istakes in theis dpost.

i'm going to type slower now and hopefully cut back on the amount of spelling errors, because i hate spelling errors.

as i'm typing this, i'm sitting in my bedroom ripping all of my nails off. it is a long and painful process and with each arduous tug at my aching cuticles, i am regretting each and every decision that led to this one.

before you get all worked up and wonder why i'm sitting here in a drunken stupor ripping my nails off, let me expound:
friend came over today. she came bearing gifts of chocolate, clothing, and fake nails.
fake nails.
fake nails.
i don't wear fake nails.
remember last week when i tried to do high heels?
i don't do high heels. i don't do fake nails.
chucks and nail-bitten stubs for me, thanks.
however. i am easily persuaded to try new things. some would say that's rather adventurous of me but i think i'm an idiot.
so anyways. i plop down on the floor next to friend, and she spreads the little plastic "nails" on the floor. she explains how it works, and happily begins applying cyanoacrylate, or the cosmetic equivalent, to her hands.
i try, and soon, there are little plastic nails everywhere. stuck to the floor, to the palms of my hands, to my socks, etc. she glances over to laugh at me every once in awhile, and i smile and say, "hm, some fun, hey friend? boy, i do love being a girl just now."
[i read the bottle just now: "attention - danger. bonds skin and eyes in seconds. blah blah with clothes will cause damage and generate sufficient heat to burn the underlying skin. etc etc." and i'm putting this on my hands? i will lump this in the category with waxing--is beauty worth all this? it would be less painful to just put out our own eyes so we don't know what we look like.]

fast forward a couple hours. our nails are on - mine crooked, hers cute - and we are getting dressed to go out and eat food. i can't pick anything up, because my nails are too long. i can't do my hair, because my nails are too long. i'm scared to go to the bathroom.
 the only thing i can do well is scratch myself, but i'm not even itchy so it's a waste.
i try pulling on my brand new, never been worn before, grey tights.
this is a disaster.
exhibit a:

as you can see, the crotch of my tights is in my left hand and the right leg of my tights is in my right hand. the left leg is over there by the night table. because i threw it. i was not a happy camper.
that brings us to this moment, right here. i set forth with nail clippers and gritted teeth in a vain attempt to fix my edward scissorhands hands, but it is no use. i could only remove six of the ten nails from my hands, and the four that remain are fixed tight.
exhibit b:

but the point is not the spelling errors. the point is not the brand new tights or my temper tantrum or even the fact that i might have cyanoacrylate in my eyes.
i need an answer asap. two hours ago, if possible. before i have to go to the bathroom. i don't know how to go to the bathroom with fake nails on.
hurry now, look how sad i am.
friend: i still love you.


Jen G-son said...

Nail polish remover or acetone. Soak it and pull :)

rachiedragon said...

nail polish remover in a bowl and soak your fingers in it til they look like raisens then work at them slowly.. lol.. i love you suz.. and i also hate fake nails

elena (a.k.a. suzy) said...

thanks girls! i took your wonderful advice to heart, and decided to try it.
then i remembered how i don't own nail polish remover.
so i just ripped em off!
but i am fake nail-free!
i was so happy about it that i decided to drink a nice cold glass of water to celebrate. today is going to be a good day.

Anonymous said...

For future reference Suzy, if you do fake nails again and decide you don't want 'em, filing down the top of them with a metal-like filer helps a lot, as it makes the process a lot less painful. It still hurts, but not as much. And cutting them down at the tops, pulling oh-so-gently at them. That's what I've done in the past and it hasn't caused too much damage.

elena (a.k.a. suzy) said...

courtney: i will never, never do fake nails again.
my time would be better spent petting a porcupine.

Jen Glen said...

Hmm. I heard the story from friend and it sounded like a much more enjoyable time than your version! :)

Anonymous said...

u got man hands lady

suzy said...

who the heck is the man hands commenter?

Anonymous said...

i got fake nails for my senior prom. worst. experience. ever. it was in this seedy little shop in the most sketch "mall" in town. my best friend convinced me to go and i'm surprised i didn't catch a life threatening disease. needless to say i pried 'em off the next day at school.

suzy said...

haha liz--isn't the prying off just the most awful part? yuck. nails on chalkboard. bleck.